ineptadept
by Carlisle Bella and the Banana
Summary: Carlisle stops by Bella's house one day with a banana and a box of condoms. Just imagine if your boyfriend's father stopped by unexpectedly to discuss unplanned pregnancy and birth control. based on Hide and Drink by Savage


Penname: mostly a lurker

Title: Inept and Adept

Summary: Carlisle stops by Bella's house one day with a banana and a box of condoms (plus a few other related things). Just imagine if your boyfriend's father stopped by unexpectedly to discuss unplanned pregnancy and birth control. Need I say more? O/S Outtake for _Hide and Drink_ by Savage. Rated M.

Disclaimer: All the Twilight stuff belongs to Stephanie Meyer. All the _Hide and Drink_ stuff belongs to Savage. No copyright infringement is intended. I'm just playing in the collective sandbox, though the original ideas appearing in this story are all mine. Please don't plagiarize, thanks.

Contest: Carlisle, Bella and the Banana

Special shout out to Twilightaholic, my prereader, brainstormer, and all around fabulous friend with a similar addition to fan fiction. Couldn't have (and probably wouldn't have) written this without you, bb!

BPOV

I almost missed the soft tap on the door as I was putting the enchiladas in the oven. I went to the door puzzling who might be on the other side – Charlie would just walk in, and so would Alice for that matter. We hadn't had any other visitors in months. For a fleeting second, I feared Edward had come to find me, but I dismissed that thought immediately. Figuring it to be some sort of door-to-door solicitation, I jerked the door open prepared to send them on their way.

If not for my hand on the doorknob, I would have crumpled to the floor in shock and surprise. Carlisle was standing on my doorstep. _Carlisle? _I didn't even know that Carlisle knew where Charlie and I lived – he'd never been here before to my knowledge.

"Um, Charlie's not home yet." I said, blushing a bit at my own awkwardness as I swayed slightly on my feet, clutching the doorknob with all my might.

"Oh, um. . . I'm not here to see Charlie. I came to see you." Carlisle replied with a most un-Carlisle like stammer.

_Carlisle stammering?_ Now I was not only confused but also frightened – Carlisle _never_ stammered.

"What did Edw. . ." I began.

Carlisle interrupted me, "No, no, it's nothing like that. May I come in? I think it would be more comfortable and private if we spoke inside," he continued.

"Oh my God, of course, of course, come on in" I said, the blood rushing to my cheeks at my rudeness as I stepped back, tripping slightly over my own feet, opening the door wider so he could enter. "Um, what's up?" I asked as I closed the door behind him and bit my lip.

"Is Charlie due home soon?" he asked.

"Um, yeah, he's usually home by 5:30 or so unless he calls. And, he hasn't called," I rambled in my nervousness.

"Oh, I see. Well, is there somewhere we could speak privately then, Bella? I. . . uh. . . it would probably be best if he didn't walk in on us together," Carlisle looked a bit nervous or uncomfortable or I wasn't sure just what, but whatever it was was making my hands shake in fear. I'd never seen Carlisle anything other than calm, confident, and unflappable. _What is wrong?_ My brain screamed. _Why is he here? And he's afraid of Charlie finding us together?_

"Uh, yeah, um, we could go up to my room, I guess." I couldn't look at his face, and kept my eyes on the toes of my shoes. _This wasn't good. This wasn't good AT ALL…_ I chewed on my bottom lip, sawing at it with my teeth.

Carlisle sighed slightly in what sounded like relief.

_Relief?_

"That would be perfect, Bella. Please lead the way."

I slipped past him in the tiny entryway and headed up the stairs to my room without saying a word. Carlisle followed silently behind me, closing the door to my bedroom behind him. The room seemed suffocatingly small suddenly, and I started having trouble breathing. I couldn't stand another second of this torture, "Just spill, Carlisle. I can take it, whatever it is, just. . . please."

"I'm sorry, Bella, you're right – I'll just come directly to the point. Edward told me that you and he had intercourse. Is that true?"

_Oh God, okay, NOT that. ANYTHING but that._ I thought I was dying before, but this? This was cringeworthy. I was crimson from my head to my toes, I didn't think I'd ever been quite so red before.

"Um, yeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaah." _Oh God, this was excruciating, worse than telling Charlie I was a virgin_.

"Did you use protection, or are you on birth control?" Carlisle attempted to catch my eye, but I was too humiliated to look at him.

"Um, no? I mean . . . um, uh, um . . . I didn't know . . . uh, think . . . um . . . do we need to?" I finally stammered out. _God, how stupid and naïve can I be? I didn't even think about that. Not telling him I had been a virgin. Not, not, not. No way, no how. Nope, nope, nope._

"Well, Bella, I'm honestly not sure. This is not something I've come across before," Carlisle answered.

"You mean vampires and humans haven't made love before?" I just couldn't bring myself to say the word sex in the same room as Carlisle. Yeah, okay, so he's a doctor and all, but still!

"Um, no, that's not what I mean," he answered.

"Oh, but. . . then, how. . . what. . . _oh!_" I said, "The human doesn't. . . "

"Correct. And while Edward's seminal fluids have caused you no apparent harm . . ."

_He did NOT just say 'seminal fluids' did he? Oh my God, oh my GOD!_

"_. . ._ I need to be certain that, ah, um, nothing unexpected, er, unplanned, uh, develops from the two of you being physically intimate," he finished.

I finally braved a look at his face, and he couldn't look me in the eye, either. I took a little comfort in that fact, and quickly looked back at my feet. _Can I just disappear right now? Please? There's a nice crack in the floor I could just slip right into. No? _I fidgeted my hands together waiting for the next shoe to drop. I was sure there was at least one.

Carlisle suddenly became the brisk doctor again, "When was the first day of your last menstrual period?"

I answered without hesitation or even having to think about it. Renee had taught me that this was one of the most important things for me to track, and my cycle had always been regular.

"And you have been intimate with Edward since that time, yes?"

I could only nod.

"Well, you are due in just a few days. So, first we need to be sure you are not pregnant now."

_Worse. Yes, indeed, this just got worse. _"Um. . . okay. What. . . ah. . . um. . ." I couldn't get the words out. I couldn't form a complete thought. I could only stand there, eyes glued to my shoes, fingers twisting together painfully, my lower lip clenched between my teeth, my face hot and bright cherry red. Everything that had happened with Edward hadn't killed me, but I thought for sure I would die of embarrassment in this moment. I didn't see how this could get any worse. I was wrong. I had no idea how wrong. . . .

Carlisle cleared his throat slightly as he pulled a home pregnancy kit from a small paper bag he had in his hand. _I don't remember that bag. Where did he get it? Did he have it all this time and I just didn't see it?_ He handed me the blue and white box without a word.

"Have you ever. . . ah, do you need instr. . . ." he began.

"No, NO!" I shouted totally mortified. I lowered my volume, "um, I mean, um, thank you, no. I'll figure it out," and practically ran out of my bedroom and into the bathroom to escape his presence and finally be alone, my humiliation complete. My boyfriend's _father_ brought me a home pregnancy kit. Doctor or no, There. Were. No. Words.

I sat on the edge of the bathtub trying to calm myself down and read the instructions on the box. It took me a moment to realize that my hands were shaking too much for me to make out the words or pictures to the instructions and I sighed, placing the box on the countertop with the directions facing me so I could read them. It seemed simple and straightforward enough, so I opened the box and laid everything out in preparation. My hands were still shaking a bit, but it was better and I knew that waiting longer just made it that much more likely Charlie would come home in the middle of everything and I wasn't at all sure how I would explain Carlisle in the house, much less my bedroom.

I dropped my shorts and panties to my ankles and sat down on the toilet seat in preparation to pee on the stick as instructed. I carefully picked up the test, holding on to just the very end of it, and brought my hand down between my thighs, promptly dropping the test stick into the toilet bowl.

Yes, I dropped the damn thing. I don't know how that happened – it was in my fingers and then it wasn't, and I heard it sploosh as it dropped below the surface of the water.

"Shit, Shit, SHIT!" I hissed out. What the hell was I going to do about this? I could NEVER confess my clumsiness to Carlisle, I would die of embarrassment before I could even get the words out. Reaching into the toilet bowl with my bare hand wasn't an option – I cleaned the thing, but still. I thought about flushing it, but what if the toilet clogged or overflowed? How would I explain that? Or worse, what if it decided to float back up somehow and Charlie found it in the bowl. He hated Edward enough. If he saw a home pregnancy test. . . . Well, I couldn't even go down that road.

I finally decided to pluck it from the bowl using the cleaning gloves I kept stashed under the bathroom sink. I figured I'd just tell Carlisle it was negative, he'd trust me, and no one would be the wiser. I dried it off pretty well, and stuck it back in the box with the rest of the inserts, folding the flaps to the box closed and headed back into my bedroom.

I couldn't look him in the eye, just handed him the box and stammered out that it was negative.

"You were gone for quite some time, Bella. Did you have any trouble?" he asked.

"No sir, no trouble," I murmured chewing on my bottom lip nervously while looking at the floor. Which was a mistake because I missed him opening the end of the box and pulling the test stick out. I looked up just in time to see him look at the results window and frown. I groaned. He looked at it briefly, a puzzled look on his face, and then he inhaled carefully. I knew then I was done for – he would smell some urine on it from the toilet bowl, but it would smell mostly like chlorinated water. I'd forgotten about his heightened sense of smell. I sighed. He looked up at me from under his eyebrows, raising one and sighing as well.

Without another word, he put the test stick back in the box and the box back into the paper bag, pulling an identical sealed box out and handing it to me. I took it in silence, feeling like my face was going to explode – I'd never felt such heat in my cheeks before.

"How did. . ." I started.

"Alice." He cut me off shaking his head.

My shoulders slumped, and my head bowed, I returned to the bathroom once again. This time I was successful in both holding onto the stick and peeing on it properly. I didn't even wait this time, carrying the whole thing back to Carlisle immediately. He checked his watch, timing the test, and had me check the result first before he looked at it. No surprise, it was negative. I could have told him that, but I understood he needed to be sure. He breathed a huge sigh of relief out of his nose. I don't think he'd realized he'd been holding his breath until he let it out. He packed the test up in the box and put it back in the bag with the other one and folded the top of the bag down before setting it on my desk.

"Bella, you need to be on birth control, just to be safe. I'm going to give you a shot now, and you'll need to get one every three months. Your periods will cease while you are on this, and it will be impossible for you to become pregnant as long as you get the shot on time. Do you understand?"

I hated shots – anything to do with needles or blood, really. Still not being able to even look at his face, I nodded to let him know I'd heard him and understood.

"Okay then, I need you to turn around, bend over slightly, and loosen your shorts," once again assuming his doctor voice while reaching into his jacket pocket and pulling out an alcohol wipe and a filled syringe.

I stared at him in shock – he wanted me to do what? He wanted me to bend over? He was going to see my naked butt? Only Edward saw that part of me, and even then I felt shy about it.

Carlisle looked up at me expectantly and seemed surprised to see me still standing there, frozen in place.

"Uh. . ." I stammered shakily.

"Bella," he sighed, "I'm a doctor. I see bodies all day long. Do you want Charlie to catch us here? How would you explain this to him?"

That's all it took. I whirled around without a second thought, immediately unbuttoning and unzipping my shorts. He pulled them down slightly, only really exposing the top of my hip.

"You'll feel something cold, then a pinch, and it will sting just a bit. The shot is somewhat thick," he said as he moved through each step. He was right, the shot stung a bit, and the spot throbbed once he was done. I pulled my shorts back up, fastened them, went to rub my hand on the ache, and he grabbed my wrist, stopping me.

"It's best if you leave that alone for now."

"Okay," I mumbled, fighting back the tears that were threatening. This was all so humiliating, and now it actually hurt. It was quickly becoming too much. Wanting him to leave so I could be alone, I went to my bedroom door, and put my hand on the knob.

"One more thing before I go," he spoke quickly before I could turn the knob.

What now? Haven't I been humiliated enough for one day? I just want to crawl under a rock and never look him in the eyes again, please?

I slumped against the door, dropping my hand from the knob, but not turning around. I rested my forehead on the door and waited for whatever else he had to say to me. I simply couldn't face him.

"The shot I just gave you won't be fully effective for a few days. Until then, you and Edward will have to practice safe sex," he said softly, seemingly aware of my embarrassment

I turned around and faced him, my brow furrowed. I didn't understand what he meant by safe sex. Edward was always careful with me, and I always felt safe, in spite of the fact that I might be anything but since Edward was so strong and my blood was so appealing to him.

"What do you mean?" I asked. "Edward is always careful, and I feel totally safe with him when we. . . uh. . . um. . . do that."

Carlisle reached up and pinched the bridge of his nose, sighing again. "Um, Bella, ah, that's not what I'm talking about. You'll need to use another form of birth control until the shot begins working fully."

"Oh," I murmured, still not sure what he meant. _What. . . oh, OH!_ It dawned on me suddenly and my eyes flashed up to meet his instantly. _No, surely not. Oh, please, this has been bad enough. . . . _

He looked somewhat apologetic and pulled a small box from one pocket and a banana from another.

_OH MY GOD! Oh, kill me now – please! _My eyes widened in horror and I gasped loudly, my hand coming up to cover my open mouth. The blush had largely left my cheeks, but it returned with a vengeance, and I felt it covering me completely, head to toe.

_So, let's review: My BOYFRIEND'S FATHER shows up at my house to verify if I'm pregnant or not; I dropped one pregnancy test in the toilet, lied about it, and had to take another; exposed my butt cheek, a part of me that no one has seen since I was a baby (other than Edward, of course); and now, I'm sitting on my bed, facing said boyfriend's father while he demonstrates PUTTING A CONDOM ON A BANANA in front of me. I don't care if the man _**is**_ a however-many-hundred-year-old doctor, I just, I just. . . ._

"That banana isn't big enough, Carlisle." I slapped my hand over my mouth, the words had just slipped out, and my eyes widened in shock. _Did I just say what I think I said?_

Carlisle's voice halted abruptly mid-sentence. There was a moment of awkward silence as he held the condom wrapped banana and I bit my lip and looked at the bedspread. I hadn't been listening anyway, too lost in my own thoughts and embarrassment over the entire interaction.

Carlisle cleared his throat, "Ah. . . yes, well, it's meant to be a representation. Something to practice on, you see," he stammered.

"Oh," I said. "Why not a cucumber then?" My curiosity overcame my embarrassment for once. A cucumber seemed to me to be a much more accurate item to work with.

"I, uh. . . I don't know," he answered finally. "I've honestly not given it much thought. Would you prefer to practice on a cucumber?"

_I'd prefer not to have to even have this conversation or do this at all._ "Uh, no. . . um, that's fine. I was just curious," I replied.

"Okay, well, why don't you try?" he asked while handing me the banana and a foil packet.

My hands shook slightly as I took the items from him, and I had to set the banana down to open the condom. I struggled with it a bit – it was harder to open than I expected. _If they actually want people to use these things, why are they so hard to open? That seems stupid._ My embarrassment rising under Carlisle's watchful gaze, I finally just ripped the damn thing open right across the middle of the package, the condom flying out and landing on Carlisle's pant leg. My eyes widened and I couldn't seem to tear them away from it just sitting there. _OMG, what do I do now? Should I. . . ._

"Um, Bella?"

At the sound of his voice, my eyes snapped to his.

"Ah, opening the package that way will potentially compromise the effectiveness of the prophylactic." Doctor Cullen had reappeared in all of his officially voiced glory. "You need to open the packet across one end." He held up another packet and pointed with his finger while I blushed yet again and bit down hard on my bottom lip_._ He silently handed me the packet, and then removed the condom from his pant leg and put it to the side with an open packet, starting a sort of trash pile.

This time, I was more careful, and successfully opened the packet across one end. I pulled the translucent disk out of the foil gently by the rim. I picked up the banana from the bedspread with trembling fingers, and looked from one hand to the other not quite sure how to do the next step. I needed another hand.

The silence was thick as Carlisle watched me intently, only increasing my nervousness, which just made my hands shake more. _Great._

I finally stuffed the banana between my thighs and started to cram the condom on the banana when Carlisle's voice stilled my movements.

"Uh, Bella? Only one condom at a time is needed. Putting on more than one only increases the chance they'll break," he said while reaching over gently and removing the one he put on.

"Oh, okay. . . But isn't he so hard it'll break anyway?" _Again with the embarrassing curiosity! What happened to my brain filter? Ugh!_

Carlisle smiled softly and just shook his head. "Not if it's applied properly."

He didn't seem surprised or embarrassed about my question, which gave me some small measure of confidence as I turned once more to the banana between my legs. I took a deep breath, pulled my lower lip between my teeth, and jammed the condom on the end of the banana, stretching it too tightly as I tried to unroll it, and pushing the end of the banana right through the thin layer of latex.

"Oh!" I jerked my hands back from the banana/condom and released it from between my thighs when it broke. I thought I might cry at my own ineptness. _What an utter disaster!_

"That's okay, Bella," Carlisle said in a soft, soothing voice. "That happens a lot the first time. That's why we practice. Here, try again. And remember to hold a little space at the tip this time," he said kindly, handing me another packet and removing the broken condom from the banana. "Why don't I help you this time by holding the banana, okay?"

"Okay, yeah, thanks." I smiled smally at him in gratitude. _I still don't see how this is going to work – they're awfully flimsy, and Edward is so hard, but whatever. What do I know? He is the doctor after all_.

I carefully held the little pointed part between my thumb and index finger of one hand, and unrolled it some before approaching the banana in Carlisle's hand. I was still really nervous, though, and my hands were trembling a bit, and I didn't want to break the thing, so I unrolled a bit more before slipping the rim around the end of the banana and unrolling the rest while keeping a tight grip on the tip end. When I let go, the excess sagged over to the side. _That doesn't look right._

My intense focus was interrupted by a long sigh, and I looked up to see Carlisle pinching the bridge of his nose again, his eyes closed.

_Yeah, okay, so that isn't right, either. At least I didn't break it_.

After a deep breath, Carlisle opened his eyes and spoke calmly, "That's better, Bella. I can see you are learning how to handle the latex sheath so you don't compromise its effectiveness. However, if you leave that much space at the end, it will most likely break during intercourse."

Thank you, Dr. Cullen, for that enlightening discourse. Too much, not enough, this is beginning to sound like Goldilocks. What is just right, anyway, geez!

"Let's try again, and this time, just hold the tip firmly – don't unroll any before placing it over the end of the banana, okay?"

"Third time's the charm, right?" I breathed, knowing he could hear me, and I followed his instructions carefully. It was actually easier to do it that way than either of my other two attempts. I held the end carefully, but didn't pull on it, and the condom unrolled easily down the body of the banana. I could see how this would fit on Edward, even though it was a bit loose on the fruit.

A genuine smile turned up my lips, and I felt a sense of pride at my accomplishment. My embarrassment and nervousness seemed to have vanished in the process. He silently handed me the condom wrapped banana, and I looked up into Carlisle's eyes, and he was smiling back at me.

"Good job. That's all there is to it. When you're done, be sure Edward holds onto the rim when he pulls out, okay? Then, he or you just pull it off like this," he demonstrated while he spoke. "Will you promise me that if you and Edward have sex in the next day or two that you will use a condom?" he asked with a serious expression. "I just want to be sure you're safe, okay?"

"Yes, I understand now, and I promise," I replied earnestly. He really had my best interest at heart. It had been embarrassing and humiliating, but now I could see he meant well, and oddly enough, I found I felt loved, cared for, and protected in a rather fatherly way. Something I didn't always feel from my own father.

In the midst of my revere, the sound of gravel crunching in the driveway reached my ears. My eyes widened in panic. "Oh God! Charlie!" My heart started thumping loudly in my chest. How on earth could I explain Carlisle IN MY ROOM? With a banana AND CONDOMS!

With vampire speed, Carlisle collected the used and broken condoms and all of the packaging off the bedspread, along with the paper bag from the desk and put it all in his jacket pockets. He dropped the box of condoms into my lap, and moved to my bedroom window as I heard the front door open downstairs.

"Bella? You home?" my father called out as he closed the door.

Carlisle silently opened the window as I yelled back, "Yeah, Dad, I'm up here! I'll be right down."

I frantically opened my nightstand drawer and shoved the banana and the box of condoms in it before slamming it shut. I glanced over my shoulder to see that my bedroom was empty, Carlisle gone.

"It smells awesome! I'm starving! Is it ready?" Charlie hollered from downstairs, his footsteps indicating he was walking into the kitchen.

I reached for the doorknob of my bedroom and took a deep breath. "Yeah, your timing is perfect, it should be ready!" And apparently, so am I.

So much for naiveté.


End file.
